Monday, August 30, 2010

Seoul- South Korea Part 2

Apparently I am unable to sleep more than one hour here in this country. But alas, I have begun to enjoy myself a little more. Though I miss my Dhut's and Ash Bash, my Ginger brother, my Melody, and of course my beautiful mother- I have become accepting of the fact that I would actually like to pass this training... ahhh training- let's talk about that.

I am an English major, and I failed the Grammar test... Good thing there are re-takes. I was embarrassed, but basically everyone pooped all over that test, so it was okay.

Other than that, it wasn't bad. I had to take a blood test, and anyone who knows me knows that I am weird about needles. my Urine sample didn't look too healthy either, but it was okay I suppose.

I am really struggling with the time zone difference. I feel like it's the middle of a nice downriver evening right now- even though it's 8am. That's not too bad, the rough part will be when I am sitting in training and I am nodding off...

But Bon Voyage my lovers, I will post later.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Getting slightly better.

Today was one of the most up and down days I have ever lived. I cried, literally, like a little baby, before insulting my mother via e-mail. After a nap, I cried some more, because I knew I had hurt her. After everything she has done for me, I owe her better than that.

My Phone came in the mail today, and it's actually pretty cool. Because I am not balling outrageous, I could not get a fancy ass Blackberry or anything like that. What I got instead, is a Razr on steroids.

Tomorrow is the first day of training, so I am going to try and sleep. Hopefully transportation isn't as insane tomorrow and I make it on time. I really am still kind of mixed on being here. I don't know what I feel to be honest, but for the time being I am stuck here. I don't like the feeling of being stuck anywhere, but I guess over time I may learn to love it here.

And there really is no sense in going home because I miss mommy- she's leaving to DC for a month anyway.


Saturday, August 28, 2010

Seoul- South Korea.

I have made it to my hotel- finally, after waiting for about an eon for the dude to finally get me from the CAT (City Air Terminal) to the COATEL Hotel.

Let me start off by saying that this hotel is an ENORMOUS complex. Ironically however, only ONE cab driver even knew what it was.

My annoyance so far has only been defeated by the strange and paradoxical state of being where one is both simultaneously tired and wide awake. It is about seven AM in the morning here, but of course my body feels like it's 6 PM like it is back home.

Also, as I stare out my window at the perpetually rainy and muggy morning, I am overcome by this strange weight feeling that seems to originate from and only effect my chest. I wanted to come so bad, but I can't help feeling that I am not right for this, that I can't handle it, that I belong in good ol' downriver Michigan- rotting away until old age and apathy claim me.

Why God? Why can't I just hit the ground running into this? Why can't I be excited to start the banality of training and worrying about whether or not I will actually pass it? Maybe I want to protect my investment, but really the only urge I have right now is to take a cab to the airport and go home- all the way home, without a stop or a hiccup in the fourteen hour process.

I know what's waiting for me there- the same life I always had, the same desperate job search that has proved fruitless for me and countless other recent graduates. The only opportunity I have is HERE, yet I don't want to be here, I want to be back there on Telegraph road, driving around, looking for something to do. Instead, I am here, looking out this Hotel window at a city that looks like an Asian version of Seven's New York- constant rain, neon signs flickering dead under the strain of the struggling sun in its still far off rise. I feel despondency, that same morose misery that has been the deepest part of my essence for what has probably been years now.

Every worry I have ever had is hitting me with sludge hammer like authority. College, the thing that always sat me apart, has apparently set me back. I am nothing special, and all I ever wanted to be was special. I am a faceless name on a list of names jockeying for position against others as hopeless and as desperate as I am.

I just want to be happy God. I just want to like something. I just want to feel comfortable growing up. I don't want to stay at home forever- and when I finally do leave home, when I finally do go somewhere, all I ever do is want to come home.

I feel like a sixth grader again, given the rare opportunity to go to Space Camp. I remember how I cried on the phone to my mother to fly me home that moment. This time is hardly an exception, yet, due to time zone issues and the cost, I can't even call her and cry/beg for her to come get me.

Maybe it's for the best. Her telling me no at space camp was- I had one of the most fun weeks of my life. Maybe this will be that again. Maybe I am just stressed about this training and the prospect of doing something I have never done before but have always wanted to do- Teach.

Or maybe I am just terrified that I won't be able to eat all day today because I won't know what to order- or how to do it.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Air Travel.

I will just start off by saying that I did indeed leave for Korea. Yay! Amidst all my worries and joys, I was delightfully accosted by the lovely folks at TSA- the "Thousands Standing Around" seemingly have nothing better to do but fondle good looking women and the boys right behind them or in front of them.

After having my junk thoroughly assessed by a large older woman, I repacked my small bag and headed for the terminal. After my mommy and I cried together for an hour, I got on a big shiny airplane and took off.

As I watched Michigan vanish beneath the comforter of clouds, the floor of Heaven, my first real rays of excitement finally crept up. As I watched Downriver Michigan disappear, my sadness finally eradicated itself and I took a long nap.

Now, I would like to ask the flight traveling world about the various stupidities of travel. For instance, I did not actually believe that they still gave demonstrations on how to correctly use a seat belt. Alas, I was wrong; a plane full of adults-many of whom are at least partially educated- were instructed as to the nature of the intricate workings of a belt buckle.

After this, the captain of the aircraft boosted my confidence in his competence by ignorantly labeling the sights below. " We are now passing Chicago!" In fact, as I hurriedly looked out my window to scan for the beautiful Sears tower, I was greeted with the glimmering mountain tops of Colorado- the most majestic and unmistakable sight in America... Or So I thought.

Now, my fear of the flight was restored. Though I have traveled by plane before, this journey is something far longer than that which I am typically accustomed. So as I renewed my my will via pen on paper in the strange hope it might land somewhere next to the black box, I giggled internally about how only in America could this man be responsible for other people's lives.

Upon arriving at beautiful SFO in San Francisco- I immediately sat my sights upon locating my terminal. The only indication I have that this flight exists however, is the confirmation that it is indeed coming at 2:05 pm. But coming to where? I was not informed, so I found a cute little wall outlet, and hooked up the mighty Mac, and of course checked my facebook.

I am excited to at least discover which terminal I am going to be in- then I will quickly head to the nearest cafe and pay 20 dollars for a Budweiser, just because the only thing more American than that, is giving birth to Bald Eagles.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Well now...

Okay, so it has been about a billion years since I have used this blog thing. But, seeing as I am moving soon, and some of my closest friends may wish to keep in contact with my adventures in a strange attempt to be happy for me and or live vicariously through my awesomeness, I figured I would use this again. Note the run on sentence, purposefully used to display the whoa like nature of blogging about one's life.

Anyway, I am currently waiting for the Man (i.e. Government) to send me my visa all done, signed sealed delivered. Alas, the Government is slow at everything, ranging from figuring out whether they would hire me or not ( which they never did) and processing simple paperwork.

What agitates me about this however, is not that it's taking so long. No, no, that is fine, what is aggravating me is that I distinctly expected such an issue to occur, so I purposefully bought an overnight envelope for them to send it back to me in. That was basically like buying a condom to have sex with a porn star; you are not safe anyways.

But I digress. I am excited to get there. Not that I wont miss my lovelies here in the states, I am sure I will. I am just like, tired of saying good bye to people. Last week was my going away party because I was supposed to leave Friday. I didn't have my visa shit, so I postponed it to THIS Friday. Now, Ironically, I am checking Saturday flights JUST in case they once again neglect to put any urgency into their efforts to send me abroad.

But rest assured, my skinny ass will be on a plane bound for South Korea within the next few days. I am about as patient a person as there is, but even this is starting to wear me thin slightly...

I leave you cats with one of my newer poems-

The Wheel.

An ancient war wages within me;
to give up or hold on?
The wheel of fate keeps spinning and spinning,
and I remain its fulcrum-
balancing that which is right and wrong.
Beyond good, beyond evil.
Like an eel I slither through currents of water and electricity,
partly both, yet mostly neither.
The vast oceans,
I cannot quell the rolling of the angry waves.
The limitless storms inside can not be controlled,
they fork and burn on, igniting the sky
with torrents of profound deeds and memories
eons old that happened mere moments ago.
If I could but stop the wheel,
if I could reject that constant cycle,
I could find peace.
If the coin would just fall to the ground heads or tails up,
I could rest, in either the light or the dark.
But I toil on, my life a colorless grey pit
of agony and pleasure,
mixed together like a perversion of humanity.
It cannot be such a monumental secret-
there must be some method to this madness.
There must be some God or Devil to answer my call-
there must be something other than the echoes
of my unanswered cries.